▎❝ Promise rings & why we still need them. ❞

With Valentine’s Day approaching, I thought that I’d write about a love related fashion topic to celebrate one of my favorite holidays—the one most meaningful to me! This week we’re going to be discussing the history of promise rings and why they’re still relevant—or should be—to the modern day romance regardless of the changing times. In a world full of dating games, blurred boundaries, and relationship status confusion, we’re going to talk about their origins, the best time to consider giving one in your relationship, and different styles to consider using jewelry from my own collection as examples.

If you didn’t know, promise rings have been around for a long time as a symbol of commitments between two people. Though they are usually viewed as pre-engagement rings—and the first of the ring trilogy (promise, engagement, and wedding), they have many meanings and should be given to prove devotion to the wearer or an established relationship. They were kind of a big deal back in the day and people still give them on occasion but I don’t hear them mentioned often in commonplace. I think it’s worth exploring and hopefully they’ll make a comeback on the dating scene. Let’s crack open a history book and my jewelry box to delve into the romantic world of promise rings.

History of promise rings

The history of promise rings is a winding path, reflecting evolving social customs and sentiments surrounding love and commitment. While the modern understanding of a promise ring often centers on pre-engagement declarations of serious intent, their roots trace back much further. In ancient times, rings served a variety of symbolic purposes beyond romantic relationships, sometimes signifying friendship or familial bonds. But as societies developed, rings began to be used more specifically to signify betrothal and commitment.

Posy rings, popular in the 15th and 16th centuries, were engraved with short poems or words of affection and were often exchanged as pledges of love and fidelity—essentially early forms of promise rings. These rings, made of simple metals like silver or gold and often adorned with simple gemstones, were a tangible representation of a couple’s intention to marry. They weren’t always a precursor to engagement, however; they could also represent a promise to court or remain faithful.

The Victorian era saw a surge in romantic sentimentalism, further solidifying the use of rings as tokens of affection. “Acrostic” rings, which used the first letter of different gemstones to spell out words like “Regard” or “Dearest,” became popular ways to express feelings and promise fidelity. These ornate and often intricate rings were another form of pledge, sometimes to a future engagement, but also as a symbol of enduring love.

The late 20th and early 21st centuries have seen yet another evolution in the promise ring’s role. Driven by younger generations and shifting societal norms, promise rings have come to represent a wider range of commitments. They can signify a future engagement, a dedication to a relationship, or even a personal pledge to oneself. The modern promise ring is less rigidly defined than its historical counterparts, allowing individuals to interpret its meaning in a way that fits their particular circumstances and relationship dynamics. This fluidity helps explain the enduring appeal of promise rings—they continue to adapt and serve as a powerful symbol of intention and connection.

Promise rings in modern dating

Now that we’ve discussed their historical significance and what they are, when is the best time to give a promise ring? There is no right or wrong answer to this, it simply depends on when you feel the need to show your commitment. It could be really quickly after you’ve just started dating or after a few months. As with all things, the decisions you make in your relationship should always be personalized to you and your partner.

Unlike an engagement ring, a promise ring is still serious but there’s less of a time limit on it unless it’s discussed, leaving room for an established committed relationship with flexibility. Though an engagement is anticipated as the next step, there’s no date-setting automatically involved like is anticipated with receiving an engagement ring. Basically, it should be given whenever you feel committed and want to express that. I recommend considering promise rings when you’re ready to stop seeing other people and be exclusive but again, the timing is all yours.

Another added perk of giving a promise ring is knowing that your partner is going to have a physical reminder of your love and relationship to keep with them always—you know, for if you’re the insecure or jealous type. Deterring unwanted attention away from your significant other is never a bad thing so long as it’s done respectfully, politely, and consensually so why not let your bling speak for you? Jewelry is a great way to say, “Swiper no swiping” and it’s hard to ignore sparkly jewelry on a pretty hand.

For anyone out there unsure of where a relationship is going or how their partner truly feels about a potential future with them, promise rings are such a safe way to test the waters and find out. All to often you hear about men and how nerve wrecking a proposal was for them. Don’t wait until you actually propose to know what the answer will be if you can at all help it and while you might’ve briefly discussed a future together, is your partner’s mind going to change when actually jewelry is involved? Also remember that just because you’re in love or have been dating someone doesn’t mean that they’ve thought about long term so it’s important to have a clear conversation and not allow uncomfortable or loose boundaries for either of you.

If you’re unsure of how to even approach the subject of a serious relationship with your lover, promise rings are a great way to get that conversation started. It can be quite overwhelming to be vulnerable, even with someone you adore. A simple gift can make all the difference in putting both of your fears to rest and opening the door of dialogue between you. Jewelry is also a very tangible way of showing your investment in the connection and making sure that you both understand that you’re moving forward committed to each other.

Something special

So now that we’ve established that the promise ring is the less intimidating and most approachable sister of the ring family, let’s talk about what kind to get! This is the fun part! There are so many rings in this world and so little time, am I right? Whether you’re going with something new or antique, the options are limitless!

I would argue that the promise ring might actually be one of the most important parts of your courtship given that it’s the first official gift of your togetherness but that’s just me and my sentimental ways. This is all about symbolism. Period. The ring you present should match the message you want to send and be unique to your situation or relationship because no two are the same.

If you’ve known each other three years, consider a three stone ring or a solitaire with a carat for each of those three years. If you know your partner’s favorite color is blue, consider getting a topaz or sapphire depending on what their favorite shade is. You often find yourself staring into your lover’s eyes. What color are they? Can you find a gemstone that matches what you see? Does your partner wear jewelry often? If they do, what style do they already wear and can you find something similar to show that you pay attention to their likes? Do they wear more silver or gold jewelry—perhaps they prefer rose gold instead? Ask them! Would they like a simple band or are you with someone more extravagant? What shape of stone do you think would compliment them best?

All of these are questions you can ask yourself when you’re out searching for the perfect promise ring. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that this ring is still important even if it’s not an engagement or a wedding ring and shopping for it should be approached the same way. Consider it a practice run for the real deal and don’t think that just any ring will do. No, no. Keep in mind that any gift should be individual and specific to the person it’s being given to. I’m just here to offer some suggestions to help you make an educated decision on the perfect ring for your special person but I can’t tell you which one to choose and no one else should either!

Below I will include pictures of some of my own rings so you can follow along with me and while I explain things, I want you to be thinking about which of these options (if any) your love would love. If you want to drop a hint to your special someone, share this on your socials or email them the link—you know—for subtlety.

Holy trilogy

A popular style of ring to give a romantic partner are trilogy rings. There are a few reasons why this is a good option but the main one is that with three stones, you can incorporate multiple stones that can signify things like your birthdays or other important dates. I’ve always thought it was romantic to have both birthstones included somehow as a symbol of the unity and the coming together of your coupledom however your lover’s birthstone or maybe even the birthstone of the month you two met are other creative options to take into consideration.

Trilogy rings can also be representative of time and how long you’ve been together. Whether it’s 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years, 3 stones are a good way to keep track of how long you’ve been devoted to each other. If you’re using a promise ring as a pre-engagement ring, a trilogy setting could also be used to mark the time until you plan to propose or get married. Maybe 3 months after you give the promise ring, an engagement ring will follow and so on and so on. You get it.

Pearly whites

Pearls are a fantastic choice if you’re planning to present your ring sooner rather than later into your courtship. They symbolize purity and what could be more pure than new love? You can also use pearls to prove that your intentions are pure and that you’re not just another player looking for a spare heart to break! I have always loved pearls because of their connection to the Greek goddess of love, Aphrodite, and the Roman goddess of love, Venus. My jewelry box is full of them for this particular reason. Pearls themselves are considered to be representative of love, innocence, wisdom, and faith among other things. I’ll make a post dedicated to them some other time but they’re a good choice!

Pearls are linked to the moon, femininity, and motherhood. If you’re dealing with a mother, the mother of your child, someone you hope to have children or start a family with, pearls might be of particular interest to you and they’re very versatile pieces of jewelry. They are thought to ward of negativity so that’s another thing to say for them if you want to feel like your protecting your loved one even if you’re not there. Please note that there are many, many, different colors of pearls to choose from and each color might have different meanings but their variety means that you could probably find your love’s favorite color in one of these luminescent gems!

Birthday wishes

As I stated above, birthstones are a fabulous gift option (just as a general rule) whether you’re getting a promise ring or not. I always gift someone their birthstone when I gift jewelry because it lets people know that I not only remember their birthday, but that I was thoughtful enough to get them a nice piece of jewelry. It’s a win, win. Birthstones are such a personal thing and shopping for them really forges a bond between you, the gift giver, and your person, the gift receiver. It really says that you care and you pay attention to the little details—it’s just so distinctive and unique to the individual.

Another perk of shopping birthstones is that because they are popular, there are so many different styles for each month. Whether you’re looking for a trilogy, a solitaire, a cluster, or something else, you’re bound to find a piece of jewelry that your love will appreciate. There’s just so many options depending on the metal, carat, band, etc. This is a safe and abundant choice. The rings pictured above are ruby, amethyst, and citrine, which are the birthstones for July, February, and November.

Make sure to double check all birthstones because while there are multiple gemstones for each month, there are main or more common ones that are widely recognized. For example, my birthstone is Opal but a secondary gemstone for October is Tourmaline. Opal is the more popular stone for my month but Tourmaline is still considered a birthstone all the same. Check the different gems for your person’s birthstone and pick the one you think they’d like best. You can ask without giving yourself away by asking which of their different gemstone colors they prefer.

Natural beauties

Sometimes what catches our eye the most is what’s most natural. Gemstones in rawer forms can be just as beautiful as carefully cut fine jewelry and usually draw attention because they are opaque rather than transparent. If you are dating a nature lover, bohemian babe, or a crystal queen, these types of rings might be a good option for you and are a unique alternative to traditional types of rings. They are also considered more earthy as the stones are closest to their natural form.

Like other stones, these stones all have meanings, healing properties, and are just a very down to earth vibe if you’re that kind of couple. Rose quartz in particular is very symbolic of love and considered a must have for all crystal lovers. It’s supposed to attract love so what better to give your own love? Similar to pearls, moonstones are considered to representative of femininity and motherhood. It is also a symbol of love and protection. What each stone means can be super important when choosing which one to give as a gift. If you think that an alternative ring is the way to go, make sure to research the different meanings behind each one so that you can share that information with your partner when you gift them the ring. It’s sure to impress them that you paid attention to detail and took the time to choose carefully.

Cocktails for two

I don’t care who you are, everyone stops to stare at a glitzy cocktail ring—whether they’d openly admit it or not. They are big and they are flashy for a reason. Size really does matter. If you are entangled with a flamboyant, outgoing, or glamorous partner, a cocktail ring might be just what they need and lucky for your wallet, there are plenty of affordable cocktail rings! Please remember that these rings are meant to be eye catching and that if you find one that you think is too gaudy, you’re probably going in the right direction. My mother adores cocktail rings and my father hates them. Every gift giving occasion, we have to have this talk. It’s not about him, it’s about her. If she likes it and it fits her personality, he must comply. The gift is for her.

Make a note that just because a ring has a large stone doesn’t mean it’s out of your price point. Regardless of your budget, you can always find something nice when you know what to look for. I have gotten incredible deals on cocktail rings despite their carat size without breaking the bank. As I always say, it just depends on how hard you look and where. My best suggestion is to go online to Etsy and type in “Vintage estate cocktail ring” and see where the search takes you. If you really want something sparkling new and substantial, try Ross and Simons—an online jeweler selling both new and estate pieces. They have regular sales and I got the prasiolite and tanzanite rings pictured above from their store. They have many options with many different prices and lots of styles! Don’t blame me if you end up spending hours on there. It’s an abyss.

Band together

Sometimes simplicity is elegant and if you don’t think your partner would like any of the ring styles we’ve already covered then perhaps a band is a good option to consider especially if they doesn’t wear much jewelry or prefers a more understated approach to their accessories. Bands are also less intimidating if you’re concerned about how your ring will be received—they are the most harmless.

A band would probably be most comfortable for someone who isn’t big into jewelry. You’re either into it or you’re not and that’s fine! They can also feature a variety of different stones and if you really wanted to get something special like diamonds, bands are typically less expensive than solitaires. If you wanted to think ahead towards an engagement and get a good deal, you could buy a diamond ring set together which would include a main ring and a band to accompany it. You could give the band as a promise ring and hold onto the main ring for when you propose. Then you only have to do this shopping once and you’ve only made one purchase.

You also know that when the time comes, your partner will be able to wear both the promise and engagement ring together and won’t have to completely switch rings. Stackable rings need to be matched and not every ring can be stacked. This is obviously just a suggestion and I don’t recommend going out and buying an engagement ring set for someone you’ve just met but if you’re sure about your person and you’ve been dating long enough, it makes total sense to bundle—you know from a practical shopping sense. You could even give a band each as a promise and an engagement ring and then have a nice solitaire in the center for a wedding ring so that all three can be worn together but I’m getting ahead of myself.

It should be stated that if you’re getting a smaller ring, a band would be a good option to add bling. You can also stack bands. Maybe you have a band for each of your birthstones and the birthstone of the month you met in the middle. The options are endless!

Rock on

In a world full of “situationships” and “what are we’s”, how lovely it is to actually know where you stand with someone in a relationship? This is what a promise ring really is and this is what most people want. In dating landscape of games and manipulation, it’s easy to worry you might be wasting your time with the wrong person. Is this going somewhere or not? How many good relationships end just because someone doesn’t have the courage to establish or label it and so their partner walks away thinking they were just another wasted opportunity? To use a popular expression regardless of gender: commitment can mean all the difference in separating the boys from the men in the dating world.

Communication seems like something so simple but these days, it’s not. Even small conversations can be difficult if you’re easily anxious but making your intentions clear is a sure way to set yourself apart from the crowd and earn your partner’s respect especially if you’re insecure about other options they might have. It’s the potentially harmful and toxic partners that want to run from labels or refuse to acknowledge their feelings, not someone willing to stand firm in their intentions and commitments. Just the fact that you’re willing to discuss the future in a wasteland of noncommittal charlatans just looking for a good time goes such a long way—believe me! If the idea of a ring seems like too much, consider a promise bracelet or necklace instead but the sentiment must remain the same. What’s the worst anyone can say? No? Well then be thankful you found out the truth sooner rather than later and look for someone who shares your same values. A no isn’t the end of the world, it’s the start of a new one.

It’s important to remember that I am in no way saying that you need to buy commitment or love. I am simply saying that the symbolism behind giving a gift such as a promise ring is to show how serious you are about your partner and the relationship you’re building together. Don’t make it a materialism thing. I know that if the right guy got me a ring from a vending machine it wouldn’t matter so long as it looked elegant and didn’t turn my skin green—it would clash with my hair, you know? It’s not about materialism, it’s a message that you’re truly investing in another person. How your partner responds to your ring’s worth is also good information to log for the future if they’re unsatisfied with what you were able to offer.

Now that we have concluded our adventure, I hope that my suggestions have been helpful or at the very least thought provoking. Though I’ve written all of this about promise rings, this post can be used for any ring shopping whether it’s just a regular gift for a friend or shopping for an unconventional engagement ring. Many of the points that I made remain the same. I’ll be writing a more in depth ring guide later on but until then, I’m wishing you and your partner all the best! Happy jewelry hunting and remember that details do matter! It doesn’t have to be super expensive but it has to be classy!