Welcome in ladies who hath been scorned! Or . . . anyone, really! Pull up a seat and prop up your stilettos! Last week we talked about the timeless romance of promise rings and it was nice while it lasted! This week is a Haute History post where we’re going to discuss Princess Diana’s iconic revenge dress, the truth about how her failed marriage affected her self esteem, and how she weaponized fashion to take back her power from an ancient institution that felt threatened by her. We’ve all heard her story and her clothes are still drawing attention almost 30 years after her death but I want to talk about the intentional fashion choice she made when she wore that black Stambolian dress the day after her husband—a literal prince—went public with his decades long affair and humiliated her on the world stage. Whether you love Diana, hate her, or are just indifferent, the revenge dress forever changed fashion and is definitely worth the conversation.

We’re also going to touch on some of the struggles women face in modern romance and why having your own revenge dress might be just what the doctor ordered to get back out there—maybe steering clear of any princes, this time! Since this post will be centered around Diana, a woman, it will be written from that perspective though I’ll be writing a guide to revenge dressing for both womenswear and menswear at a later date! If you have not had your heart broken or don’t find this topic interesting or relatable, please find the nearest exit and I will see you next Sunday for our regularly scheduled light hearted content or use this week to catch up on any other posts you might’ve missed! That’s totally fine, girl—see you next time!

For those who stayed, I’m including a trigger warning for sensitive topics before we continue on because we are going to talk about heartbreak, bad relationships, and heavier subject matter that may not be for everyone. Princess Diana’s battles are pretty well known to anyone whose researched her and I’m not going to sugar coat her experience for my reader’s comfort because this was the life that she led—struggles and all. Such a large part of her relatability and why she was so beloved by the public was because she used her platform to speak candidly about her journey through life without inhibition. She had problems like everyone else, ya’ll. She just had to try to solve them in a crown. Keep reading at your own discretion and if you feel uncomfortable, click off.

Love isn’t always a fairytale

Let’s face it—most people suck. Finding ones that don’t feels like a treasure hunt fit for an Indiana Jones adventure. Raiders of the Lost Heart, anyone? It could be the rise of societal narcissism, the fake world of social media, or widespread apathy towards others—even though we want others to care about how we feel constantly—but they don’t make them like they used to anymore! The dating games now played feel more like the Hunger Games where the best love bomber wins and all too often what once might’ve been a promising relationship turns into a dumpster fire—that’s if you can get a relationship going during a time when egos are at an all time high and everyone’s too scared or good to tell each other they’re pretty anymore. Honestly, it’s depressing.

Oh, and if you actually already have healthy self esteem, reasonable standards for yourself and how you’re treated or the desire for mutual respect then you’re a spoiled, privileged despot who should be diminished at all costs—because how dare you! I’m not talking about much here. Honest communication itself has become a commodity. If you couldn’t already tell, I don’t pay much attention to the dystopia that’s become dating and I’ve gotten more interesting conversation out of my cats than most men I’ve encountered—you really can’t compare the depth of an ocean to a kiddie pool ken. Do you even read, bro? It feels like overnight everyone went from wanting to find “the one” that they wanted to spend their life with to wanting to find “the one” they could manipulate into carrying their baggage through life instead. The amazing, unique, individual qualities of a partner don’t matter anymore—only what they can provide. Not who they are to you but what they can do for you. This feels fitting to mention in an article written about a woman who was basically interviewed to be a royal wife and faced similar rigorous scrutiny about what she could offer rather than who she was as a person. When we’re reminded of this, it almost feels like we’ve gone backwards instead of forwards. I think it’s also worth mentioning that people who “cast” a significant other rather than seek someone genuinely interesting and compatible are the ones that lead miserable relationships. Diana was cast as Charles’ wife simply because she checked boxes and everyone told him she was an ideal match but the one he couldn’t forget and always loved was Camilla, the uniquely singular woman that wasn’t cast, she was chosen. She came from a different background and didn’t have nearly as much to offer Charles as Diana in the eyes of those around them but what she had was enough for Charles. Theirs is a cautionary tale of what can happen when you decide—or allow others—to play casting director with your romantic partners. Diana may have gotten the coveted role of a life time but it destroyed her because in the end, her supposed credentials meant nothing. In the end, it was Charles’ love and devotion to Camilla that won out.

No one in the whole “high value” men and women conversation ever warns you that having standards for a true partnership can actually garner more hate though I don’t put much stock in dating trends. What ever happened to just being a decent person seeking another decent person to be decent with? Now all of the sudden even that has become distorted. This not an excuse to lower your standards in anyway and you definitely shouldn’t! I’m just letting you know that if you think that everyone who sees you is going to immediately respect you for having them (as we’re often told), more often than not, they’ll probably want to test you, become jealous of your confidence, or may even resent you because they automatically feel a sense of rejection by your healthy boundaries and refusal to engage in mind games. This was the case later on in the marriage between Diana and Charles where her standards for their relationship were met with resentment as well as a jealousy over the public’s admiration of her. She had moments when she was demanding and difficult to deal with but at the root of it all, she just wanted a place in her own marriage. Instead, she was gaslit into thinking she was asking for too much.

There’s also a video that I watched recently when I was brushing up on my research for this post that mentions the “Princess Diana Phenomenon” and talks about how and why men often pursue or date women that they hate or feel threatened by and the marriage between the Prince and Princess of Whales is the example given for context. It resonated so deeply with me—too deeply, if I’m being honest. I can say that at least half of my friends, including myself, have mentioned feeling loathed by their partner or someone pursing them at some point or another. I witnessed this dynamic played out between my own parents many times—specifically whenever my mother found success. There would be an immediate attempt to either subtly sabotage her or put her down. It was baffling, when I really thought about it! For awhile, all I seemed to be capable of attracting were men that hated me—both outwardly and subconsciously, I’m convinced—so I think it’s worth mentioning. I’ve been confronted and belittled by men who didn’t even take the time to get to know me before they chose to attack me over preconceived notions with little evidence. Had they taken the time, I would’ve taken their criticism to heart because I would’ve thought they had something valuable to contribute but how could they when they didn’t even know the first thing about me? So many people would rather demonize someone they’re interested in dating and try to drag them down to their level rather than working on their own confidence enough to approach them and it’s sad. Forget Mr. Right, I’d just be happy for Mr. Respectful at this point. I’m just looking for a relationship where I don’t always have to be the better man. You can’t see it but I’m rolling my eyes as I write this.

Then there’s the ones who sell you on a complete lie or worse yet—are stupid enough to really believe that they aren’t lying simply because they’re just omitting or not telling the “whole” situation. This moral gray area isn’t really gray at all. Oh, they’ll come into your home, get close with your family and take their kindness for granted, feel entitled to your time—getting upset if they don’t get it, and feign they’re just a helpful, wholesome individual with pure intentions but deep down they’re plotting on you without any care to your discomfort because they don’t see the harm in playing their games for a little while before they run off all the while pretending they weren’t doing anything to onlooking eyes. They act like they’re something they’re not to try and gain your interest—much like a literal prince charming trying to woo an unsuspecting young aristocrat—they met when Diana was 16 and Charles was 29! I know she knew that he was a prince before they got married but she was catfished and no one can change my mind about it! Unfortunately, many of us know exactly how she felt when she realized she cared for someone who wasn’t who she thought he was! She had no idea what she was getting into and though she learned about Camilla, she hoped that it wouldn’t affect their relationship when they were actually married. The dream she was sold was just that; a dream. To be fair, it wasn’t only Charles’ fault but again, this man was 13 years older than her and it was their relationship so let the chips fall where they may.

In the age of breadcrumming, gaslighting, and swiping, it seems easier now more than ever to be scorned or have your heart broken. Whether you were cheated on, made to feel like just another bedpost notch, ghosted at random or ignored for weeks at a time, weren’t told he had a girlfriend until after you caught feelings, only kept as an option or a backup for the person they really wanted, had your relationship hidden from their friends and family, had to watch him choose someone else knowing it wouldn’t last, called just a friend but secretly treated like much more, blamed for his addictions and self destructive behaviors, lashed out at for trying to help, treated differently around others than when you were alone, gaslit into thinking there was something wrong with you for having standards, left in your time of need even though you were there for him, shamed about how you looked or dressed, knew he cared about you but he was never man enough to say anything, found out he was only with you for status, money, or advancement, pulled you close just to push you away, turned your notifications into a chess game, thought he was kind but found out he was a monster, were stood up because he promised he’d be there and he wasn’t, not prioritized and always put last, left waiting around on holidays only to have him not show at all, disrespected and humiliated in front of others because he thought it was funny to use you as joke, had to worry about him flirting with your friend, had him cave to everyone else’s opinions about you even if they didn’t know you, were taken for granted and underappreciated when he had your attention, wanted you to chase him down like Lassie, lied about who he was only to find out he was a fraud, had him shove his relationship with someone else in your face, tore you down to make himself feel better, expected you to choose him when he wouldn’t choose you or simply were subjected to some bad dates, the hurt remains the same and I could keep going if I really wanted to send us all to therapy.

I feel like even though the list in the paragraph above is admittedly ridiculously long, it’s very necessary because we often times don’t stop and think about all the little things that were hurtful and instead will generalize a relationship as “toxic”—a word used too loosely in some instances and not used enough in others. If we just label something toxic and move on, we run the risk of missing the red flags a second time around in a new relationship. In breaking down the all too common behaviors that led to us feeling badly, hopefully we can avoid similar situations in the future—provided we still believe in love at all after experiencing that kind of trauma. Mental health professionals have likened the grief we feel at the end of a relationship to the grief we feel when someone we love has passed away. Many of the scenarios that we’ve talked about above are things that Diana herself experienced—in the public eye—and it’s this type of heart pain that slowly eroded her self esteem over time and would set her on a collision course with the perfect revenge; a little black dress.

Origins of the Revenge Dress

Most of us have heard the term “revenge dress” used in pop culture. The term is traced back to one of the greatest style icons of all time, Princess Diana, who famously wore a black chiffon Christina Stambolian off the shoulder evening gown to her first formal event after her then husband, King Charles, admitted to adultery with his then mistress, Camilla Parker-Bowles, on national television. Yeah, it was pretty bad. It was June 29, 1994, the same night that Charles’ bombshell interview was airing, Diana was attending an event at the Serpentine Gallery in London. Originally due to wear Valentino, her outfit choice was leaked to the press and she decided last minute to use a dress previously commissioned in 1991 to send a message to the world that she wouldn’t let Charles embarrass her and that revenge was a dish best served in chiffon.

As a princess, Diana was required to follow certain protocol when it came to everything and that included her fashion which was highly scrutinized not only by the press but the royal family. Choosing the black Stambolian dress was a blatant shot across the bow and it’s been called “the most strategic dress ever worn by a woman in modern times”.  It’s form fitting design hugged her body just the right way as if to showcase loudly to all just what Charles was losing. Afterall, Diana was often called the most beautiful woman in the world while the public at large thought that Camilla was. . .not. The choice in a chiffon and silk combination provided both structure and softness with the way it was draped around the bodice—a careful mixture of emotions sewn into the form of a dress. Black has always been a sophisticated choice and this was not the only time the princess wore it but on this occasion, it was as if she was dressed to attend the funeral of her own ill fated marriage. It was also a callback to when Diana claimed that black was the “smartest” color she could wear at 19 because it made her feel like a “grown up”. Though it was a saucy ensemble, the diamond, sapphire, and pearl choker that she wore around her neck gave the look an elevated elegance that was anything but tawdry. For once the choker she frequently wore looked like it was meant to rather than a bejeweled noose tightening around her waning independence in the royal family. She showcased the long length of her legs in tall heels but didn’t show skin, instead choosing to keep it hidden beneath black tights—classy. Just a peak, you know?

Princess Diana’s daring off-the-shoulder black silk and chiffon mini dress, sent shockwaves far beyond the London social scene. The world, still grappling with the public unraveling of her fairytale marriage to Prince Charles, saw the dress as a powerful symbol of defiance and liberation. News outlets, from tabloids to broadsheets, splashed images of Diana across their front pages, not as a demure princess, but as a confident and alluring woman embracing her newfound independence from the foolish prince who fumbled her. The public, particularly women, resonated deeply with her message. Speaking as a fellow girl’s girl, this was such an empowering moment. It felt like a collective sigh of relief, a vicarious thrill in witnessing a woman publicly reclaim her narrative after years of royal protocol and simmering personal struggles pushed into the shadows. Diana didn’t just wear that little black dress for herself, she wore it for all the women like her. She wore it for us. The dress became an instant icon, not simply for its fashion-forward design, but for the potent message of resilience and self-assertion it conveyed. This wasn’t just a dress; it was a statement, and the world, captivated by Diana’s grace and fortitude, responded with a mixture of awe, admiration, and a quiet understanding of the silent battles she had been fighting all along right under it’s nose.

Though Diana had always been a style icon, this was one of the looks that cemented her fashion legacy and is considered one of her most famous outfits. To many, this was the birth of the “revenge dress”. Since then, we’ve seen this trend in both fashion and film—even repeated in our own lives whenever we’re aching for an elegant answer to our pain. It’s important to remember the context of the relationship between Diana and Charles, whose marriage became tumultuous almost as quickly as it’d began. This revenge dress had been years in the making and didn’t just pop up on the cover of every tabloid for nothing. Diana was plagued by the closeness of Charles and Camilla and the shadow of their affair would loom over the princess for the rest of her life until her untimely death in Paris in 1997 in the Pont de l’Alma tunnel after her car struck a concrete pillar while being chased by paparazzi. When we think of scorned women publicly humiliated by the man in their life who outwardly vowed to love and protect them but inwardly broke their heart behind closed doors, we often think of Diana, and while we feel strong empathy and sadness for her experience, we also recognize the strength that she gained, especially after her divorce.

The princess was so negatively impacted by her marriage that when it was over, she stopped wearing Chanel—a brand that she’d once loved—because of the interlocking C logo that reminded her of Charles and Camilla. She said it was too painful of a reminder and she didn’t want anything to stir up the memories. For the rest of her life she only wore a few select Chanel pieces that did not feature their infamous logo. It’s a fashion fact, look it up! Jimmy Choo designed shoes for the princess and has mentioned that at the start of their marriage, Diana only wore short kitten heels or flats so as not to be taller than or upstage her husband. As their relationship soured, her heels got taller and taller and towards the end of their marriage, she was shamelessly towering over him as a sign of open rebellion—another example of how she silently weaponized her fashion choices against those she felt targeted by.

The other woman

Diana was the most photographed and considered the most beautiful woman in the world and yet her husband was able to make her feel inadequate while the masses adored her. To the outside world, she looked like she had everything a girl could want and that she was living out a fairytale but behind those gilded gates her heart was being broken and her spirit diminished by a situation that arguably didn’t have to involve her at all. Did we love her and do we still? Yes! But Charles and Camilla were deeply in love long before Diana and she should’ve never been dragged into a third party situation without her consent or care to her feelings. No doubt Charles and Camilla are meant for each other—I mean, he loved her through decades of split ends—and didn’t deserve to have that love suppressed but that doesn’t mean that their relationship had to destroy Diana or that for all his compassion, Charles couldn’t have been more mindful and respectful of the fact that he was a thirty year old man who married an eighteen year old girl who couldn’t fathom why he’d go so far as to marry her if he didn’t at least love her too.

No one in this situation is without fault and Diana herself is known to have lashed out on many occasions but I think people often forget just how young she was when all of this began. What might’ve just seemed like a duty to a reluctant prince who already knew the royal system felt like an unforgivable betrayal to a princess who wanted nothing more than marital bliss after surviving a broken home. She came into her marriage already starved and desperate for a love she was never going to receive. The psychological toll it took on Diana to feel like the other woman in her own marriage is well documented and it greatly impacted her personal style in her later life—which is still talked about and emulated in modern media. To make matters worse, I’m sure it didn’t help Diana’s self esteem to have well meaning people tell her that she was more beautiful, younger, and a way better catch than Camilla when it was still Camilla that Charles was rushing home to instead. There’s nothing worse than feeling as if the person you want is downgrading or settling for less when you’re such an obviously better choice—and that’s not vanity! Sometimes, this is true! People choose frogs over princesses everyday when it comes to their relationships. What do you do when you’re the “ideal” partner and he still chooses someone else? When you’re the one everyone wants except him and you can’t go anywhere without the world reminding you of it?

Honestly, I’d rather be the one that got away than a second choice. I’d rather be the dream girl then the one he settled for any day. Don’t choose anyone who doesn’t choose you and if they don’t, it’s their loss. Once someone doesn’t prioritize me, they don’t get another opportunity and I keep it moving but Diana was not free to do so and was not only bound by her title and vows, but later the love of her two sons; William and Harry, which kept her hoping to make her marriage work despite the chaos. She handled her feelings of inadequacy in unhealthy ways such as eating disorders and other destructive behaviors that manifested in ways that further isolated her from the very family she’d sought to join. If you watch her interviews—specifically the most candid one she did with Panorama—you’ll hear in her voice how deeply wounded she was over being put in a position to be her husband’s second choice. To an outsider, there was no way Camilla could hold a candle to Diana and yet the mere thought of her dismantled the princess’ self image and contributed to her plummeting mental health. This is another struggle many of us recognize where we’ve been openly compared to others by our partner whether it’s a pretty new face who just walked into the room and steals attention or that ex whose name just makes your blood boil. This insecurity and feeling of inferiority followed Diana everywhere until the end of her life even after she’d moved on to other relationships and found her truest love, Pakistani heart surgeon, Hasnat Khan. During the final decade of Diana’s life, she used fashion not only as battle armor but to set herself apart from other women and it worked—even Camilla herself would later attempt to copy Diana’s revenge dress.

Princess Diana’s death was made even more tragic by the fact that the world felt as if it was just starting to see her spread her wings and enjoy her independence when her light was snuffed out in the Alma tunnel. Away from the royal family, we were getting a glimpse into the glittering woman she truly was, unincumbered by the weight of a failing marriage and finally free of comparisons to another woman almost twice her age and far different from herself. Her fashion was never better and she looked to finally be getting her confidence back with each new charity she partnered with. What the royal family would or wouldn’t approve of her wearing no longer mattered and Diana was getting a complete reintroduction with shorter hems and more daring designers. We were watching her careful transition from a blushing young maiden in flouncy, whimsical dresses to a warrior queen of hearts armored in stilettos and sequins. Diana’s relationship with the brilliant, yet controversial Italian designer, Gianni Versace, shaped not only her fashion in the 1990’s but ours and was a precursor to many of the trends we would later see in the early 2000’s. A princess on the cusp of a modern age gone too soon but at least she left us her outfits for inspiration and strength to inspire us. The good work she did for humanitarian causes still lives on and her impact is felt in a way that very few public figures receive recognition for.

Though they had been adversaries in life, Diana’s tragic death brought a final shift for the better in her relationship with Charles who finally advocated for her—standing up against his own family, including the queen—to ensure she was buried the full honors that she was entitled to as a princess and the mother of a future king. In doing so, he set a new precedent for the treatment of senior former members of the royal family. He personally went to France to retrieve her body and escort her home to English soil for burial in a move that showed true respect and maturity. Many of us never get an apology from those who’ve done us wrong or hurt our hearts so badly but at least at the end, Charles was there for Diana as he probably should’ve been sooner when she really needed it but at least he made sure she was well cared for in the end. It’s just a shame she had to die to get the respect she should’ve been afforded in life.

Conclusions

Well, this has been a very fun Haute History post! In love, if you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. Clownery begets clownery. I’ll be talking about Diana again in the future since she’s such a style icon but there’s a lot to cover when it comes to her wardrobe but I mainly wanted to focus on the revenge dress and it’s background for this week’s deep dive. I hope you learned a little something about fashion history and how our state of mind directly impacts our self image and our clothing choices. Sometimes putting on a classic little black dress and feeling beautiful is the best cure for a broken heart—remembering what we have to offer future partners and looking our best. As Diana herself reminds us, “Black is a smart color.”

Sadly, in toxic relationships, one of the most hurtful and impactful things we’re stripped of is control of ourself whether it’s our routine, where we live, or anything else our partner can use to diminish our sense of self and make us feel small. Not only have I experienced this but as mentioned above, I have witnessed it as well. One of the quickest and easiest ways to get back on the road to happiness and independence can start with a simple change of clothes. Though it seems small, it’s one step in the right direction and it’s one step closer to taking back your control. Such is the case with the revenge dress which allowed Diana to finally speak her mind without ever saying a word. It doesn’t have to be a dress, it can be anything that makes you feel confidence, beautiful, and powerful. It doesn’t matter so long as it’s yours and puts you back into your power.

I’d also like to point out that while this post was centered around toxic relationships with men—or a man—from the perspective of women, I am well aware of that there are just as many toxic women out there sharking about and it’s not my intention to single out men in general. I wrote about a revenge dress and why it’s so relatable to women but that doesn’t mean I think every guy out there is terrible—just most of the ones I’ve run across lately! I’m not trying to paint with a broad brush; only wear the shoe if it fits. In all seriousness, no unhealthy relationship should be taken lightly regardless of gender, age, orientation, or any other circumstance and I think Diana’s story is here to inspire us all in that category, not just women. There’s so much to be learned about both her struggles and her strength.

Never allow yourself to stay somewhere you’re not valued whether it be romantic, familial, platonic, or otherwise. Never choose someone who doesn’t choose you and don’t give second chances once someone has discarded your worth or prioritized others above you. Anyone who demands you dim your light for their sake is asking too much. If you find someone to have in your life that is genuine and good hearted, don’t be so quick to discard them or take them for granted—don’t pick them apart and try to tear them down so you feel more comfortable sharing their space. Don’t mistake their kindness for naivety. Good people are getting harder and harder to find so if you happen across one, treat them like the unicorn that they are and be thankful that you were given such a gift! I hope everyone had a fantastic Valentine’s Day! Sending much love and healing chiffon!

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Additional sources for the images used in my post:

Princess Diana wearing a black dress by Christina Stamboulian during a party given at the Serpentine Gallery in London June 29, 1994 from Martin Keene via Getty Images in the top center.

The sketch drawing of Princess Diana’s revenge dress by Christina Stambolian taken from the book Diana, A Life in Dresses by Claudia Joseph in the bottom left corner.

Newspaper clipping from The Daily Mail,  ‘Charles blusters as Diana dazzles’ in the bottom right corner.